Friday, June 21, 2013

UUO Mourns the Passing of James Gandolfini: 1961 - 2013

On Chicken Soup for the Soul: "You should read 'Tomato Sauce for your Ass.' It's the Italian version."

Monday, June 10, 2013

La Gran Continente Americano: The Rule of Law

Virgen de Guadalupe: The Marian apparition, the patron of the Americas, and the reason the Mestizo race was converted to Catholicism. 

Sabado, 1 de Junio, San Miguel de Allende, Estado de Guanajuato: These days, Americans don't invade Mexico with armies like they used to. They invade Mexico with IRAs and pension plans. They don't build barricades with naval vessels on the high seas. They build houses with pools on picturesque hillsides. They don't invest their time in map rooms with thoughts of manifest destiny. They invest their time in art galleries, restaurant patios, and boutique souvenir shops with thoughts of . . . what to do for brunch.

San Miguel de Allende is a retirement destination where Americans do all of the above. I spent time looking at the art, the churches, the museums, etc. But then I found myself on the outskirts of San Miguel, in a bar filled with burnt out caballeros and disgusting-looking women.

Next time you're in a Spanish speaking country, learn this phrase: 

"Sabes un bar barato con deportes y billar?" ("Do you know a cheap bar with sports and billiards?").

You'll be lucky to find the sports and billiards, but you'll definitely find the bar. At least in Mexico.

Mexican law is founded upon the same democratic principles as that of the United States. Their constitution is a carbon copy of ours, although, they've amended it more times than they've arrested foreigners for pissing in their streets -- and therein lies the problem. The Mexican Constitution is crammed with lofty ideals of labor rights, human rights, and individual protections written into law. But most of those ideals are rarely, if ever, enforced.

Mexico's "right to work" conflicts with its unemployment rate, excess of unskilled labor, and abysmal annual salaries. Its "human rights" conflict with its beheadings and the mass exodus of its citizens to the U.S. Its "individual protections" conflict with its military check points and lawless searches. In short, Mexico's government believes in creating laws, but it is not very big on adherence to the rule of law.

At the bar in San Miguel, you could buy a beer for 10 pesos and a tequila for 20. The prices were modest yet non-negotiable. And believe me, despite the government's lackadaisical enforcement of their laws, when you're in a bar filled with burnt out caballeros and disgusting-looking women, you pay what you owe.

El Grito de Independencia: Miguel Hidalgo's incitement at Dolores Hidalgo sparked the war for Mexican independence.


Saturday, May 25, 2013

La Gran Continente Americano: Intro

La Gran Continente Americano

Since 2010, UUO has written on Mexico. We've reported from south of the border and we've reported from north of the border. We've talked about violence and we've talked about public policy (and boxing and soccer).

One thing we've learned is the history of Mexico, like many other countries, is one of ideals clouded by ambivalence and tolerance of the status quo. In 1910, corruption and wealth disparity drove Mexico into a complex revolution that lasted twenty years. In the end, they had a new government, but they still had corruption and wealth disparity. In 2006, corruption, violence, and drugs drove Mexico into a complex drug war. By electing PRI candidate Enrique PeƱa Nieto, it seems Mexico's drug war will go the way of its revolution. It could last twenty years, and in the end they'll have corruption, violence, and drugs.

Another thing we've learned is the U.S. isn't all that different from Mexico. To most Americans, the violence in Mexico is just that -- in Mexico. But this past Wednesday, a lawyer with links to a Mexican drug cartel was gunned down in the town square of Southlake, Texas -- a wealthy DFW suburb. You can draw your own conclusions about that single occurrence, but don't believe our ideals aren't also clouded by ambivalence and tolerance of the status quo.

We want to stop drug trafficking and violence, but not at the cost of trans-border trade. Not at the cost of legalizing marijuana. And definitely not at the real cost of budget increases.

But to hell with this arm-chair-outsider's-musings. That's bullsh*t and we know it. UUO will report from inside Mexico. We'll give UUO readers the real perspective on present-day Mexico. We'll cross the great American continent and explore the depths of ambivalence and tolerance of the status quo.

Yes, Codename Black Jack will go to Mexico and see que paso . . .

The most violent states, marked in red.

Friday, March 8, 2013

If I Had to Lifeswap with Someone...

(This is the second in a multi-part, guest commentary series from Codename Pie-Oh-My!)

I ask myself this from time to time. The usual answer is no one. Why? I'll tell you why. This is pretty much why. But, what if, for some weird, Freaky Friday, Big, The Change Up-style shenanigans, I HAD to lifeswap with someone? Well, then I do have a short list. Let's profile one of my favorites:

Roman Abramovich
Meet Roman Abramovich.

Born: Oct. 24, 1966. (age 46)

Nationality: Russian, with Jewish heritage

Net Worth: ~$15 Billion

Bio quick hits: Owns world's biggest yacht, the Eclipse, owns EPL Soccer team Chelsea (the reigning European champions), and regularly slays models.

Where to begin? Parents both died before he was four. Business career went something like this: sold stolen gas while in army; sold rubber duckies from his apartment; started company selling toy soldiers and dolls; made plastics conglomerate with help of Boris Yeltsin (involving gangsters and billions in bribes); acquired controlling interest in Russian state oil company; diversified, diversified, and diversified.

Can't make this stuff up. Dude is a boss. He has a personal security army of 40 (allegedly). He just docked his boat in NYC so his model girlfriend could have her baby there (again, allegedly). And he just bought nine apartments in 'ole London town to turn them into the country's most expensive private residence.

Roman with his ex-wife.
His ex-wife, Irina (left), wasn't shabby. But for someone having five mega-yachts, there's usually room for an upgrade . . .

Meet his current flame, Dasha Zuckova (below), a 31 year-old model, fashion designer, philanthropist,  and daughter of Russian oil mogul/illegal arms dealer. She's about to be baby-momma to Roman's sixth (their second together) child. She apparently lived in Houston in the 90's -- I should have nabbed her when I had the chance.

Roman with his baby-momma.






I like me. I like me a LOT. But if I had to swap lives with someone, I think Mr. Abramovich fits the bill nicely.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Master Review

Joaquin Phoenix, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Amy Adams were all nominated by the Academy for their performances in The Master. On Rotten Tomatoes, the picture has an 86% approval among critics versus a 62% approval among audiences. 
Like most of you, I'm tired of this meaningless political banter on UUO, and I feel like getting weird. Lately, there's no better way to get weird than by watching and/or talking about Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master. It's possibly the weirdest movie I've ever seen, and that's saying something because my tolerance for weird is well above the average moviegoer's.

Let me go on the record and say I've watched The Master twice. The first time, I wasn't sure if I was watching the movie or if I was hallucinating the mother f*cker. To make sure it wasn't just me, I turned to my friend and asked, "Do you understand what's going on?"

Simply put: If you think you understood The Master, you probably didn't get it. If you couldn't figure out what the hell was going on, you're were right there. At least that's my take.

I was drawn to the film because of clips I saw of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix on The Daily Show and the Academy Awards. Hoffman and Phoenix's acting looked so cerebral, I said to myself, "I have to see this movie."

Lancaster Dodd (Hoffman): "Do your past failures bother you?" 
Freddie Quell (Phoenix): "No."
 Lancaster Dodd (Hoffman): "Do your past failures bother you?" 
Freddie Quell (Phoenix): "No."
Lancaster Dodd (Hoffman): "Do your past failures bother you?" 
Freddie Quell (Phoenix): "No."

The Master is modeled after L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology. Several scenes feature the practice of "processing" (similar to "auditing" in Scientology), whereby Dodd asks Freddie a series of hypnotic (or "un-hypnotic") questions, delving into Freddie's past lives over the course of trillions of years. Dodd explains that processing  is intended to remove ingrained memories that inhibit man from exercising the full potential of his mind.

Similar to There Will Be Blood, The Master is pensive. It relies as much on music, scenery, and characters' actions as it does on plot and diction to convey the movie's ideas. 
Overall, the 86% approval from critics and 62% approval from audiences tells you a lot about this movie. I got something out of it, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone I can think of off the top of my head.

INTERESTING SIDE NOTE: Paul Thomas Anderson originally screened The Master for Tom Cruise, a Scientologist. Cruise apparently had an issue with the scene where Dodd's son, Val (Jesse Plemons), tells Freddie, "You know he's making it up as he goes along." 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Sequester Talk: Pressure Gonna Drop On You, Part 2

"The sequester has forced liberals to clarify their conviction that whatever the government's size is at any moment, it is the bare minimum necessary to forestall intolerable suffering."

- George Will, The Washington Post 

Kaimi is now in prison on Oahu until 2015. When I think of the story from Part 1, I think of the different ways it could be interpreted:
  • "Because your drug addict friend scrounged food out of a dumpster, you don't think this country has a problem with hunger?"
  • "Drug addicts are one thing, but how about families struggling to provide food for their kids?"
  • "So if we just encourage the poor to eat recently expired meat and dairy products, no one starves?" 
To interpret the story in such a way is to miss the point entirely. The story is about perspective. "Nobody starves in this country," Zorro said. I don't know if that's true or not. But many are convinced this country's problem with poverty and hunger is dire. And they're convinced the  the federal government in Washington, D.C., is responsible for the solution.

Not enough people in this country have witnessed abject poverty. 

In Nicaragua, I saw La Chureca -- Managua's city dump, which is home to approximately 1,000 people, many of whom are children. They sift through the garbage looking for recyclables to sell so they can buy food.  That's abject poverty. 

In Louisiana, I observed an open heart surgery. The surgeon explained most of his patients received Medicare or Medicaid assistance. During surgery, he sawed through the patient's sternum, looked up at me, and asked, "In what other country are the poorest the most overweight?" 

Abject poverty?  "Poverty" at all? 

The Obama Administration would have us believe the 2.3% reduction in this year's $3.6 trillion federal budget will bring food assistance programs (and other "vital" federal programs) to an abrupt halt. Meals on Wheels; Head Start; Women, Infants, and Children Program (WIC); Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) -- all of those programs are rumored to take a hit. But how consequential of a hit? Will cupboards go bare?  Probably not. We live  in a country of relative abundance. And because of that abundance, abject poverty or hunger is scarce. Unfortunately, the Obama Administration, to push policy, pressures us to believe otherwise. 

On Friday, March 1, the day of the apocalypse, the Dow finished + .0.25%, the Nasdaq + 0.30%, and the S&P + 0.23%. Not evidence of the storm warning that flashed across screens on the morn' of the sequester . . .

What if nothing happens in the wake of the sequester? What if we stomach these cuts in federal spending? What if we get by with a slightly smaller federal budget?

Pressure with fear of the sequester, and pressure gonna drop on you:


Saturday, March 2, 2013

Sequester Talk: Pressure Gonna Drop On You, Part 1

"Ain't no job harder than being a drug addict. Ain't nobody work harder than a dope fiend. You wake up in the morning, man, not a dime to your name. No friends, no family, nobody that got your back. But by the time you roll out of wherever you lay your head, you know where you're gonna get twenty dollars . . . and you get it. Ain't no job harder in America."

- George "Blue" Epps (Glenn Plummer) from The Corner

The following story is strange but true:

I've spent a lot of time surfing in Hawaii, a place known for its unmatched beauty and perfect weather, as well as its homeless crystal meth addicts. Among my surfing buddies in Hawaii is an older, semi-retired surfer name Zorro, and a middle-aged Hawaiian named Kaimi. Zorro taught me to surf, and for years, Kaimi showed Zorro and me surf breaks, spear fishing spots, and other local "secrets." In recent years, Kaimi was addicted to crystal meth and he lived in a tent made of blankets in an obscure cove off the highway.

Kaimi spent his days taking us to whatever surf break picked up the best swell, although, if he could talk us into spear fishing, he'd spend all day diving and coming up with kaku (barracuda), uhu (parrotfish), ulua (jack), or anything else he thought tasted good. At the end of the day, he'd hit Zorro up for twenty dollars and be gone.

When you hang out with a meth addict, you see things you don't normally see. After days of being gone, Kaimi would reappear in a schizophrenic fit talking about invisible mafia spaceships, cyborg fish, vampires, cameras in his eyeballs, Mel Gibson, Tanya Harding, Danny DeVito -- you name it. At one point, he passed out on Zorro's couch and didn't wake up for over 24 hours. When he did wake up, he gorged raw hot dogs and hard boiled eggs dipped in a mixture of mayonnaise and Tabasco. Then he went back to sleep.

In our travels with Kaimi, we ran across hidden shanty towns, yards away from luxurious condominium resorts, and we met numerous characters straight from the imagination of Dante Alighieri. But nothing compared to the day when Kaimi showed up at Zorro's in a van full of meat and dairy products:

One afternoon, we heard a honk outside Zorro's condo. Outside, we saw Kaimi getting out of the passenger side of a white van (he usually got around town on a bike).

"Hey, Zorro, can we put some stuff in your freezer?"

When Kaimi opened the sliding door of the van, we saw stacks of frozen steaks, ground beef, Jimmy Dean sausage, hot dogs, eggs (packaged in boxes holding three dozen cartons), and various cheeses including brie (that's right -- f*cking brie).

Kaimi urged us all to help unload the van, and as I carried an arm-full of steaks into Zorro's kitchen, I noticed Safeway had recently put expiration stickers on the cellophane. Apparently, Kaimi and his friend with the van had been right there to pick up the food shortly after they placed it in the dumpster.
The view from Zorro's, where Kaimi arrived in a van full of stolen or "recently expired" meat and dairy products.
The driver of the van didn't say anything -- he simply watched us unload as he ate a brie triangle out of the package. Soon, Scott the security guard rolled up in his golf cart to see what was going on, but before he could ask, Kaimi said:

"Hey, Scott, want some steak?" 

Kaimi pulled several steaks, Jimmy Dean sausages, and a carton of eggs from the van and set it on Scott's golf cart. As more and more food was being unloaded and stored in Zorro's kitchen, you could see he was a little overwhelmed.

"Should we take some to the Salvation Army?" Zorro asked Kaimi.

"Oh . . . no." Kaimi replied, "They have too much." 

Scott the security guard erupted in high-pitched laughter,"Ngha! Ngha! Ngha! Ngha! Ngha!"

At that moment, Zorro looked at me and said, "Nobody starves in this country." 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

"Pancho and Lefty"

I remember when I was a kid, I was really in to country music from the '80's and '90's. My favorite songs were "Seminole Wind" by John Anderson, and "Dixieland Delight" by Alabama. I got dropped off at the mall, bought the CDs, and went home and listened to those songs over and over. (I spent a lot of time alone and I only had a few friends. That's still kind of true now).

But then my brother introduced me to "Pancho and Lefty" by Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard. That was my new favorite song. I always thought it had something to do with Pancho Villa, but after watching Heartworn Highways, I learned Townes Van Zandt wrote it about two Mexican bandits he saw on T.V.

Classic country. Enjoy.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The State of the Union Is..."Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home"

This is the first in a multi-part, guest commentary series from Codename Pie-Oh-My!
If you judge things by their twitter feeds, then most of congress from the right aren't impressed with the State of the Union. It's "same old song," "Obama is not serious about reducing the size of government," and "we need to focus on small businesses as a driver of job creation and economic growth." The left however, sings a different tune, "let's lift up the middle class," "let's vote on gun laws," and "budget cuts are not the way to fix the economy."

Sound familiar? Well, it is. I try, really hard, not to be a cynic. I do. But this is getting ridiculous.

Let's start at the beginning. If, you, like me, are a child of the baby boomers then read on. If you are not, you're either too young to care or you're the f-n' problem.

We grew up in an era of MTV, Nickelodeon, and the Disney Channel. Families were important. Sure, we had our struggles, but heck, everyone did. We were told "you can do anything you want! BE anything you want!" And we ate it all up.

We went to college in droves. We got internships, volunteered, studied abroad. We majored in psychology, art history, and cultural anthropology. Why? Because you told us we could, and we believed you. We thought trade schools and skilled professions like plumbers/electricians/machinists were somehow not in the same league as what a bachelor's degree from STATE U could provide us.

Now, we are becoming the adults, or have been trying to for the last decade or so. We have been trying to get jobs, start careers, start families: just like you, our parent's generation did. We networked, we went to grad-school, we did it all by the book, the book that you wrote. Here's the rub: you guys f-ed us.  You, in spite of all your planning, sacrifice, and promises that you "just wanted more opportunity for us than you had," took it all away. You had to get that second car, that second mortgage. You had to double down on toxic debt, and you had to pass legislation you knew would be paid for by mortgaging to China for the next 100 years. Thanks.

So, where are we now? We are riddled with student loan debt, that we can't get rid of, even in bankruptcy. Why didn't you tell us about this? We knew you had loans to pay for school, but I guess the job market was better then. We can't make the payments on these, and we can't get the job we want because people are not willing to hire us. So what do we do? We have to get a job, any job. We work retail and service industry. We are underemployed, if we are employed at all. Who wants to hire an Ivy-League educated architect with 5 year's experience from TGI Fridays? Maybe Ruby Tuesday.

We wanted a CHANGE. We needed HOPE. We rallied behind you, Mr. President. We were poor, living on couches in our parent's basement. We were broke, despite playing the "get educated" game we were told to play. We made it cool to be liberal. We made a total paradigm shift in the youth of our country, to buy into your plan and turn this thing around. We wore the t-shirts, and we got you elected via facebook. Hell, we did it twice.

We tried to OCCUPY. Why? Maybe we were pissed that, even though these jerks crashed the good thing we had going, they still made out like bandits. And what did you do? Did you have our backs? No, you just bailed them out. With our money. And then, they paid themselves more money than they were paid before.

We thought you were on our team. Turns out, you, like the rest of your generation, are just looking our for number 1, and hoping we will pick up the bill/figure when its our turn. That's not even to speak of how you mortgaged our future so you could have social security and medicare to cover your own asses. Not much left over for the new guys.

Which brings us to last night. Why should I, or anyone, believe a single promise you make?

Remember the State of the Union where you paraded the "heroes" from the Ft. Hood Massacre, and sat them right next to your wife?  How hard would it have been to give these folks, the victims, and the victim's families, the $2 piece of medal and purple ribbon that so many others who were wounded in service get? How hard would it be to give them the same care and benefits that others who are wounded in service get? We are talking about a couple dozen people here -- a couple dozen service men and women -- wounded by a guy with Al Qaeda connections on home soil. People, who, just like the victims from Hurricane Sandy, need help. Victims no different than those in the Newtown Massacre, whom, you chanted to "get them a vote!" last night. After using them, looking into their eyes, you sent them home and called the incident "workplace violence," which is not rewarded with the same benefits of being wounded in action.  These are people you looked in the eye, and told them you would help. What about the rest of us you haven't seen?

Are the Republicans right in saying we need to support small business? Maybe, but who own's small businesses? Millionaires, usually. It's the last way to make it out of mediocrity, but if we cut them breaks, what about the rest of us? Are the Dems right in saying we should raise the minimum wage? What will $9 an hour do? Make slightly less poor people and take away profits from the business owner, causing him to hire less people. Neither sound like a very good solution.

I used to get excited about the State of the Union. I would plan out my evening to soak up all the pomp and circumstance, to hear about our Commander in Chief's plan to move our nation FORWARD. Now, I just watch a five minute recap the next morning. I have too many other things to do with my time, like figure out how I am going to make a living in this mess we are dealing with now.

But,  I didn't really expect a savior from the White House. That's not really how our game works in the "free market" West.  The permeating theme, through all this, is you better get your.s while you can. Everyone else is. Hell, even the International Olympic Committee has dropped WRESTLING in favor of modern pentathlon. This is due, in part, to the vote and presence of  Juan Antonio Samaranch Jr., the son of the former IOC president, who is an IOC board member and large supporter of modern pentathlon. Get yours, because people don't care about tradition. They care about number 1. The replacements? Wakeboarding, Roller Blading, and something called Wushu. I can't wait for Parks Bonifay to bring home the gold for USA at the X games er -- the Olympics. Honestly, who cares about Rulon Gardner, anyway? It's not like I sat glued to my TV for 15 minutes to watch a wrestling match end 1-0, or anything.

This "get yours" mentality won't stop anytime soon.

Two thoughts come to mind at the end of all this.

One, I'm with this kid. I've paid my dues, held my tongue, and taken it on the chin...I'm out. I'm gonna get mine, because you obviously aren't going to help me. (I don't condone this, in any way, at any level of team sports. Classless, but good for illustration).


Second, just for good measure:

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Drone Strikes Illustrate the Asinine Political Polarization in the Media

If George W. Bush used drone strikes as extensively as Barack Obama, the media would not grant him impunity. MSNBC pundits would be calling for Bush to be tried in The Hague
From a legal perspective, the President has "plenary" powers over foreign affairs and war. This means the President's decisions/actions involving foreign affairs and war are largely unchecked by Congress. Congress can conduct oversight investigations, and Congress can limit funding, but Congress can't do much else to stop the President from using drones. (Traditionally, this is in spite of the War Powers Resolution of 1973).

Now, when it comes to using drones against American citizens in foreign countries, the law isn't so clear. The Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution guarantee American citizens due process of law. Due process is meant to protect American citizens from unfair treatment by the state. And in particular, due process is meant to protect American citizens from things like . . . summary execution. 

But are American citizens protected by the same standard of due process during times of war? And are American citizens protected by the same standard of due process in foreign countries, perhaps outside the "jurisdiction" of the United States Constitution? 

For now, I'm less concerned with these questions than I am with public perception (or lack thereof) of President Obama's use of drones against Al-Qaida linked U.S. terrorists. And in the media, their defense of President Obama's use of drones against Americans is contradictory: 

MSNBC's Toure went to battle on Twitter defending President Obama's use of drone strikes against Americans. Would he have done the same if it were Bush? Of course not. That was a rhetorical question. 
He's the Commander in Chief. RT@kirstenpowers10: You are fine w the White House deciding who is guilty and who should die?
No. RT @mchastain81: Dear @Toure. A US citizen is allowed due process no matter what they have done, even an AQ leader.
You'll never see the right care so much about civil liberties as when you start talking about the rights of Americans in Al Qaeda. 
It's ironic. It's pathetic. Hell, it's sickening.

Even Vice's Harry Cheadle, who wrote a brilliant article on this issue, can't align himself with conservatives who think the same:
And though the opposition to drone killings contains elements of the right and the left, there’s no antidrone presidential candidate to rally around (except maybe Rand Paul, who has his own problems).
Why would he say something like that? Because he disagrees with Rand Paul? Because he doesn't like Rand Paul? He probably said it because in media circles, it's no more popular to align yourself with Rand Paul than it is to align yourself with George W. Bush. Rand Paul's "problems" likely include his economic policy, but they more likely include his stance on guns, abortion, marriage, and religion. So it's taboo for Harry Cheadle to align himself with Rand Paul. Even on an issue like drone strikes.

Yeah, drone strikes do illustrate the asinine political polarization in the media.

(By the way, I'm not comfortable with innocent civilians killed by drones either. Under the Bush administration, MSNBC pundits might've called that murder. Now, I guess it's in the best interest of national security). 

Friday, February 8, 2013

UUO: NEWS YOU SHOULD KNOW (Drones, Drugs, Hacking, Financial Malfeasance, and Other Crazy Sh*t)


Now Available: Townes Van Zandt's "Sunshine Boy: The Unheard Studio Sessions & Demos 1971-1972"
Drones:
Drugs:
Hacking:
Financial Malfeasance:
Other Crazy Sh*t:

"Good decisions come from experience; and experience comes from bad decisions." ~ Unknown

Sunday, February 3, 2013

"There Is an End" Holly Golightly with The Greenhornes

When it comes to music, my finger is nowhere near the pulse of the latest. But if I hear something exceptional, I'll post it. They use this song in Jim Jarmusch's film Broken Flowers.


It's the Super Bowl, Gentlemen. Place Your Bets.

UUO bought some points: Baltimore Ravens +6.
BREAKING: Moments ago, the Super Bowl betting line moved from BAL/SF +4/-4 to BAL/SF +4.5/-4.5. That line is moving, baby! Whooo! Everybody is getting a little action on the Super Bowl!

By kickoff, the line is expected to settle at BAL/SF +3.5/-3.5. But here at UUO, we don't take any chances. We bought as many points as they were willing to sell (at that particular time). UUO took the Baltimore Ravens at +6, for a price of - 150. That means for every $150 we bet, we win $100 ($150/1.5=$100). 

San Francisco is 11 - 7 against the spread.  They're anchored by a tough defense and a “jumbo” package offensive line that blocks for running back Frank Gore and “pistol formation”-loving quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Vegas favors San Francisco to win the Super Bowl.

So why did we bet on Baltimore?
  1. They beat Denver and New England to get to the Super Bowl. They're determined.
  2. While they're 9 - 9 - 1 against the spread, they're 4 -1 against the spread in the last five weeks against teams with a winning record. 
  3. We don't trust Colin Kaepernick to win the Super Bowl, much less cover the spread. Two weeks ago the 49ers failed to cover against  Atlanta, and they're lucky they even won the game. The 49ers are leveling out as they enter the Super Bowl. And Kaepernick is due for a multiple-turnover game. 
Good luck to all of you low-lives, otherwise known as the UUO faithful, in your gambling endeavors this Super Bowl Sunday. 

Bunch of degenerates.